


The Darker Side of the Self

by themoonthatpullsthetide



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Foster Care, Magical Accidents, Parent-Child Relationship, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trust Issues, implied/referenced eating disorder, mild Self-harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-15 23:55:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 19,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29691903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonthatpullsthetide/pseuds/themoonthatpullsthetide
Summary: After a particularly disturbing flashback, Emma magically regresses into her thirteen year old self. Being unequipped to support an acutely traumatized teen, Snow and David let Regina take the role of a ‘new foster parent’ for Emma until she reverts back to her adult self.
Relationships: Evil Queen | Regina Mills/Emma Swan
Comments: 52
Kudos: 179





	1. Regression

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, everyone! 
> 
> First off, thank you for taking the time to read my fic!
> 
> This particular fic holds a really special place in my heart, and I hope to convey that through my writing. Because I am writing this fic as a way to cope with some of my own trauma, it will be brutal, and I have no interest in censoring or downplaying the devastating effects that childhood abuse has on a person. 
> 
> Please take care of yourself, and do not read this fic if the topics of discussion might be triggering or harmful in any way. That being said, I also understand that reading fics like this can be helpful in coping with your own trauma and can help reenact fantasies of what you wish would have happened. 
> 
> The effects of trauma are complex and largely individual; while this fic might not be reminiscent of your own experiences, it is of someone else’s. Please keep that in mind when commenting.
> 
> Flashbacks are in italics.
> 
> M.

Sometimes, it hits like a ton of bricks; out of nowhere and all at once. Emma was sitting at her desk in the now dimly lit sheriff’s station when the first traces of a memory started to trickle in like water through the carefully constructed dam she built between her childhood memories and her present self. The smell of her old foster mother’s Estée Lauder perfume came over her; bringing back with it the broken little girl that had no fight left in her after that devastating night. Tears immediately sprung to her eyes as she stared at the now blurry wall as the memory washed over her like a tidal wave. Her body felt feather light – she was gone.

_“Emma!” She screamed from the kitchen. She held her third glass of wine in her hand as I came downstairs. She was mad… drunk and mad. I was shaking when I walked into the kitchen, already in tears. Her blue eyes held storms in them as she glared down at me. She had her dish water blonde hair pulled into her usual messy bun and she looked frantic. Those nights were the worst. “Emma, go get your wooden spoon.” Her voiced slurred, but laced with menace. I went cold, shaking worse then before, I stared at her. My body went dead and tears welled in my eyes at the request. “1, 2…” she counted. If she got to three… don’t ever let her get to three. I quickly went to the ceramic kitchen utensil holder and pulled out the wooden spoon that was designated “mine” for these purposes. She set her wine down on the counter, held out her hand, and, with tears streaming down my face, I handed it to her with unsteady hands. Like a serpent with prey, she snatched my hair at the base of my head and threw me down across the counter. My ears started to ring from the impact and my eyes unfocused. ‘You spilled my fucking wine’ she spat, voice cold. She pulled her arm back and came down hard on my sit spot with the wooden spoon. They came in quick succession as she screamed “You ungrateful little bitch. We took you in when no one else wanted you… you fat fuck.” She threw me to the ground and kicked my side. The air stolen from my lungs, I curled into a ball. She threw her wine glass down at me and I could feel the shards of glass around me pierce my skin. She took the wine bottle from the kitchen and went into the living room. As she left she screamed “look at what you did to my kitchen! It had better be clean when I come back or so help me god!” I got on my hands and knees, my mind brought back to reality by the sharp pain of glass puncturing the black and blue skin of my legs and stomach. My chest went heavy and deep sobs welled up. I was alone. She was passed out on her diet of Zinfandel and Xanax when I went to go upstairs; the fourth glass of wine and second pill had ensured she wouldn’t wake up for anything. That’s what he was waiting for._

Her mind shot back to her body with a gasp as she heard the unmistakable click of high heels against the linoleum floor. Her chest heavy, panic stricken, her body wracked with sobs. Emerald eyes red-rimmed and glassy, sunken deep within her sockets, haunted by the memory playing in a loop through her head. ‘No, no, no’ she thought to herself. She couldn’t let anyone see her like this. She clawed at her neck, leaving angry crescent moons on her shoulder to keep herself present enough to summon her magic with competency. ‘Home’ she thought, desperately willing herself from slipping back into that memory… at least until she could break down in safety – away from other people.

Just as Regina entered the main hall of the police station, she saw a haze of light blue smoke wash over Emma’s desk, but her magic felt different – it was tinged with something heavier… laced with something Regina knew all too well… pain.

Emma’s legs went numb as she appeared in her bedroom from the sheriff’s office, and as the smoked blew away, she fell gracelessly to the floor; hitting her back with a loud thump. She crawled on her hands and knees to the corner between her bed and her bookshelf, wrapped her unsteady hands around her knees that were pulled to her chest, and started to rock back and forth. ‘Please don’t, please don’t, please don’t’ she whispered to herself like a mantra. Despite her pleas, the younger, hurt girl inside her demanded to be heard and threw her into another memory…

_I walked up the stairs staring down at my foster mom with each footstep to make sure that I didn’t stir. I crossed the hallway to the bathroom, and carefully avoiding the mirror, turned the shower as hot as it would go. I sat on the toilet seat and let the steam fill the space, the sound of the shower drowning out the sobs that wracked my body. I slowly took off my pants, slithering them down my body carefully as to not cause any more pain than the beating already had. Each inch of fabric slowly revealing the deep gashes on my thighs and knees from the broken wine glass. I tentatively pulled one arm into her shirt and used the other to get it up over her head and slide it down the remaining arm. My left arm was bruised shoulder to elbow where the brunt of the fall had been. The milky white skin of my stomach gave way to black and blue over my ribs, and the sharp pain I felt with every breath told me I most likely broke a few… wasn’t the first time. Holding my arm in my hands, I stood up on legs that threatened to give out and stumbled my way to the shower. My vision blurred, and I wasn’t sure if it was from hitting my head or not having eaten anything for the past few days. The water hit my back and I immediately recoiled in pain, chocking down the scream that was threatening to leave my body. I gripped onto the side of the bathtub and slowly lowered myself down. I pulled my knees to my chest and let the water fall over my head and back. I watched as the now crimson water cascaded off of me and circled the drain putting me in an almost trance-like state. The world fell away from me as I held myself._

She felt underwater; her body was suffocating her with the memory of the worst night of her life and she couldn’t stop it. She had been beating down this memory ever since that night at the Rabbit Hole a few days ago when a woman smelling of cheap Zinfandel had stumbled into her, knocking her off her stool. She couldn’t let anyone see her like this; this vulnerable, this broken. She curled herself farther into the corner and gripped her lower stomach, feeling the painful tearing that had followed her shower that night.

_I got out of the shower on shaky legs and refused to look in the mirror. The steam from the shower had fogged it up anyways. I tentatively wrapped a towel around myself and picked my clothes up from the floor knowing that them remaining there would lead to another beating in the morning. I put my ear to the door, listening for any movement in the house. At least this door locked. Hearing nothing, I walked into the hall and down to my bedroom. I carefully shut the door, not looking around to check the room first. That was my mistake. When I turned around, he was sitting on the bed waiting for me. ‘’Come lay down like a good little bitch.’ He whispered. I started to shake as much as my body would allow and tears flowed freely. Tonight was different, I could feel it. He had a different look in his eyes…scarier. ‘Please, no’ I whispered, knowing that my declarations would be ignored. He went to stand up and I quickly moved to the bed. I couldn’t take another beating. Not tonight. He sat on the bed next to me and yanked off my towel. I tried to cover myself but he pinned my wrists above my head. I let out a whimper of pain. ‘Looks like my wife did quite a number on you. I would hate to mare this precious skin of your anymore, so be good and do as you’re told.’ He started to unzip his pants and my eyes went wide with panic. ‘no, no, no, no’ I started saying like a chant. He slapped me and I struggled to choke back the scream that threatened to erupt from my chest. He knelt between my legs and forced my legs apart; digging his knees into my thighs and spreading my legs apart as he spread his. ‘Just do as you’re told.’ He said. He grabbed my wrists with one hand and held on tightly, positioning himself with the other. He entered me in one stroke… gripped my hip painfully with his hand as he pushed into me agin and again. I squeezed my eyes shut, willing my mind to leave my body. I had nothing left to give._

Emma screamed out – a blood-curdling scream. She was kicking and banging her head against the wall fighting off an invisible attacker. She didn’t hear the tell-tale click of heels or the concerned “Emma?” That resounded through her house. Regina entered the room and saw her blonde friend in the middle of what looked to her to be a devastating flashback. She knew from experience how real they could feel. She still had her fair share from her time with Leopold. She kicked off her heels, not wanting to scare Emma and slowly walked toward her friend. She knelt down next to Emma, but kept out of kicking distance for the time being.

“Emma, dear, it’s Regina. You are here with me, in your house. You are safe. I promise.” She looked and saw her words had no effect on the blonde. She was frantically scratching at her wrists and kicking out. Blood was running down her arms from the gashes she clawed into herself. “Emma, you need to come back to me.” She said more firmly. Nothing. She didn’t want to restrain Emma when she was fighting off what Regina had a sickening feeling was a rape, but she wasn’t going to let her hurt herself either. “Emma, I am going to restrain you with magic so you don’t hurt yourself. Come back to me, dear. You are safe with me.” Emma let out another scream and she heard the door to Emma’s house close followed by the unmistakable oafish pounding of the Charming brigade coming to the ‘rescue’. Snow and David ran into the room and Emma immediately scream and curled in on herself even more.

“Snow, David, leave now.” Regina’s voice was clipped and left no room for argument. As always, the Charming’s still found space to argue.

“We are not leaving out daughter like this, Regina!” David sounded affronted at the idea.

“What happened?” Snow asked in a more cautious tone. At least one of the idiots could see their eldest child was clearly in distress.

“She’s having a flashback and having a man in the room is the last thing she needs. Trust me.” Regina spoke softer and looked directly to Snow. Snow’s eyes widened in faint understanding and turned towards David.

“Charming, wait outside please.” David went to protest, but Snow kissed him and told him to go again. Regina rolled her eyes and returned her focus back to Emma. Snow, thank the gods, stayed put, watching. She didn’t know what to do, and Regina clearly did.

“Emma, I’m going to hold your wrists, but leave your legs free.” She slowly made move to grasp Emma’s wrists and hold them to her chest. “Feel my heart beat, Emma. Fell my breathing.” Regina modeled taking deep breaths, puffing out her chest more than natural so Emma could feel it. “Emma, come back to me. It is just you and me, sweetie. You are safe. I promise.” Tears flooded down Emma’s face as she gasped for breath, but she had stopped kicking and Regina kept her breathing up. “Good girl. Now try and match my breathing.” Emma double breathed until she finally was able to take a breath. Regina kept whispering to her and held her hands to her chest so Emma could feel her heart beat until Emma finally looked at her.

“Regina?” She choked out.

“I’m here, dear.” She said and Emma moved to curl into Regina, still clutching her stomach. Regina slowly rocked them back and forth while Emma calmed down some more; Snow still in the same spot, observing. She was dumb-struck. ‘How did Regina do that?’ She wondered.

Suddenly, there was a poof of blue smoke and where Emma Swan, Sheriff of Storybrooke once was, sat Emma Swan regressed to her 13 year-old self. Regina looked to Emma, then Snow, whose mouth was hanging wide open awe-struck, and back to Emma. She kept rocking her and started to hum a soft tune. When Regina was confident Emma was asleep in her lap, she poofed them onto the bed. Snow walked over and whispered.

“Regina, what just happened?” Snow whispered with a bull horn, but she knew this was the quietest the princess could achieve, and she seemed genuinely concerned… the only reason she was able to bite back the quip and eye roll that she so desperately wanted to give.

“It seems the stress from whatever trauma she was reliving caused her magic to turn her into the age she was when it happened. I’ve never seen it, but I have heard of it happening. She’ll stay this age until she’s worked through this trauma and feels safe enough to be an adult again.” Regina said matter-of-factly.

“Regina, I…we…what if she has another….episode? I wouldn’t know what to do, and David… you said it would be worse with him.” Snow said beside herself in tears. They both knew that she didn’t have the know-how to make Emma feel safe or help her work through the aftermath of what is undoubtedly a horrible trauma.

“Snow, she will stay with me. You will have to keep Henry for a while, though. I think being around any male would be too much for her right now, especially at this age. I know he will want to help, and I won’t lie to him about what is going on, but we both know Emma wouldn’t want him to see her like this. And you are right. You and David aren’t equipped for this.” Regina looked to Snow to make sure she was understanding what she was saying.

“Regina, how did you know what to do?” Snow asked cautiously.

Regina looked at her imperviously. “I am not a stranger to flashbacks of this sort.” She said with enough of a clip to tell Snow that specifics were not up for discussion.

“Snow?” Regina said as the woman was about to walk out of the room. “She may not have her adult memories. She might not know who you and David are. I will tell her I am a new foster mother if that is the case. Make sure everyone plays along.” The sadness in Snow’s eyes was unmistakable, but so was her determination to help Emma in any way she could. Outside the door she could hear David yelling about how she was their daughter, but Regina knew Snow had it under control, so she poofed them back to the mansion without much further ado.

Regina put Emma down in the guest bedroom and waited at the door for a few minutes to make sure she was truly asleep. She ran her hands through her hair and sighed. ‘What had Emma relived that caused her regression?’ Regina knew it was likely a sexual assault, but she wondered if , after all the time she spent in foster care, there wasn’t much, much more to it. She knew that the only way for her to find out was to gain Emma’s trust, and from the display at her house and Emma’s perpetuity for shutting people out as an adult, that was not going to be an easy feat. She jumped in the shower letting the scorching water release some of the tension in her muscles and magicked herself into a a dark grey silk pajama set. She was just about to lay down in bed when she heard footsteps outside her door, in the hallway. She got up slowly and carefully walked over to the room door before opening it to a very disheveled and clearly distraught teenage Emma.

“Who are you and where am I?” Emma demanded, though the fear in the tone was not beyond Regina. Emma still held her lower stomach in a way that told Regina she was in pain. She didn’t see any physical signs of bruising on the blonde, so she wondered if the stomach pain was chronic. The thought of why made Regina overwhelmingly nauseous.

“Hi, Emma. My name is Regina.” She started slowly, watching for the tension to release from the blonde’s posture. It didn’t. “You are going to be living with me for a while. You had a pretty nasty flashback a few hours ago. Do you remember it?” Emma just nodded and tears started silently streaming down her face. “Is that why you woke up?” Regina prompted. Again, Emma nodded.

“Mike and Lynn. I’m not going back to them, am I?” Her voice cracked, giving away her fear. She started crying and bit hard into her fist to keep from making a sound.

“Emma, look at me dear.” Regina said in a soft but firm tone. She held her hands out in front of her, open palmed, to show Emma she wasn't going to hit her. She knew from her and Emma’s late night talks over Regina’s cider that Emma had been beaten by foster parents in the past. Emma shook her head indicating that she did not want to look up. “Please, Emma?” Slowly the shaking girl looked at Regina. “You will never go back to that house, I promise. You are safe here, with me. Nothing will hurt you.” Still biting back her tear literally and metaphorically, Emma starred at Regina. She knew that look from the adult Emma. She was trying to tell if Regina was lying. Deciding she was telling the truth, she nodded. Regina slowly reached out and grabbed the fist from Emma’s mouth. She tensed up immediately, but kept looking at Regina, and seeing no malice in her eyes, let her hand be held.

“Emma, it is getting very late, and we have a lot to talk about tomorrow. Would you sleep better in my room with me or in your room by yourself? The choice is yours. Whatever you are most comfortable with.” Regina could practically hear the panic coming from the little blonde. Emma started to shake her head from side to side and punched herself on her left hip, hard, in rapid succession. Regina swiftly grabbed the other girl’s fist, now holding them both, and placed them against her chest. “Emma, I need you to listen to my voice. Feel my heartbeat; feel my breathing. Try and copy it. In for two, out for two.” Regina cooed slowly as she modeled the breathing technique, the blonde struggling against her own head. After twenty or so minutes, Emma had calmed down enough to talk. She was exhausted and too overwhelmed by the day to stay in her body. Regina knew the feeling, and knew she had a short period of time before the girl was too lost to her to speak. “Okay, sweetie, why don’t you keep my company in my bed tonight?” When Emma didn’t protest or display any visible signs of distress at the thought of being in a bed with another adult, she led Emma into her bedroom.

She pulled the covers down on Emma’s side first, then she walked around to her side of the bed. Emma hadn’t moved a muscle. Regina crawled into bed and propped herself up against the headboard with some pillows and held out her hand. Emma starred at her, obviously battling whether or not to allow the physical comfort the brunette was offering.

Sensing the struggle, Regina looked toward Emma with a soft expression and waited while she decided whether Regina was safe or not. Slowly Emma got in the bed and curled on her side in the fetal position facing towards Regina. She was shaking and moved to put her fist in her mouth again. Regina held her hand and laced their finger together. Emma looked up wide-eyed, tears in her eyes.

“Sweetie, I will not let you hurt yourself. It’s okay to cry and be upset. I will never get mad at you for crying or being scared or wanting physical comfort. You are safe here, with me.” Emma looked at her, chest heaving, and squeezed the hand that was being held. Regina opened her arms and Emma tentatively moved closer to Regina’s side; still not touching, but close enough to feel Regina’s body heat. Emma looked up again, trying to gauge if Regina was angry with her for being so close, but all she say in those hazel eyes was care and understanding. With a few deep breaths, Emma laid her head on Regina’s chest, wrapped her arm around the brunette’s waist, and started to cry. Regina slowly lowered her hands as to not startle the shaking girl in her arms. She started running her hands through her hair and rubbing soothing circles on Emma’s back as she sobbed.

“You’re okay, Emma. You’re safe. Let it out” she cooed. Slowly her sobs dissipated and soon they were both asleep.


	2. Tentatively Trusting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: graphic descriptions of physical and sexual abuse.

Regina woke the next morning before her alarm and took the opportunity to look down at the teen wrapped peacefully around her body. She was clearly malnourished. She was thin enough that her collar bones and ribs were visible through her tank top, she had dark circles under eyes that were sunken into her skull, her nails were pealing, and she was shivering as if she was constantly cold. Even in her sleep Emma was still clutching her stomach. She knew that pain well; she had carried it for years when she was married to Leopold. She knew being medically evaluated would be too traumatic for her right now, but it was something they would have to talk about when she trusted Regina a little bit more. For now, the girl could use with a warm bath and as much food as Regina would convince her to eat… she knew eating could be a difficult feat. 

Determined to let the blonde sleep for as long as possible, Regina laid there thinking about how she was going to address that topic with Emma when she woke up. She knew it would be emotional to say the least. She was broken from her revere when Emma shot up, wide-eyed and started frantically backing away from Regina. 

“Shh, sweetie, you’re okay.” She spoke softly as she held out her hands and placed them flat, palm down on her thighs. “Do you remember who I am?” Regina questioned. Emma looked at her and calmed slightly as recognition and memories from last night flooded her sleepy form. She nodded. 

“My new foster parent.” She whispered. Regina smiled at her and nodded. She waited for the hyper vigilant blonde to calm down before she moved. Slowly, Emma’s breathing came back to normal and her shoulders slumped. She started kneading her thumb into the palm of her other hand while taking Regina in.

“Why don’t we go downstairs, dear. I’ll make us breakfast and we can talk. Sound good?” When she received a nod from the blonde, Regina slowly slipped out of bed, grabbed her robe from her vanity, and started down the steps, Emma in tow. She noticed Emma was still holding her stomach, and slightly hunched over; like standing straight up caused her pain. Regina fought back the sigh threatening to escape her lips. 

She immediately went to start the coffee pot and Emma took a seat at the counter. Regina pulled out the ingredients for pancakes, assuming teenage Emma would enjoy them as much as adult Emma does, and started making the batter. 

“Emma, would you like some juice? I have apple or orange.” She looked over her shoulder and saw that her question had startled the blonde a bit. Turning her body towards the her in full attention, she waited for Emma to work through whatever thought had plagued her. 

“Umm, apple please.” She said tentatively. Regina smiled and grabbed the glass of juice, very well aware that Emma was watching her every move. She set it in front of the blonde carefully, and went back to making the pancakes. 

When the last pancake was done and the pan was off the burner, she set a plate in front of Emma with the butter, syrup, and jam. Making herself a plate, she took it and her coffee and sat in the stool next to Emma. When she made no move to eat the food, Regina decided to step in. 

“Emma, dear, what’s wrong?” Though she had a sneaking suspicion, she thought it best that Emma tell her herself. During a late night conversation in her study over a glass of hard cider, Emma had told her that she was often denied, beaten, to berated for eating food in previous foster or group homes. It was why she ate with such ferocity as an adult. She was allowed to. 

Looking at Regina, with tears and suspicion in her eyes, said asked “I can eat it?” 

Regina, now biting back tears of her own, moved to take Emma’s hand cautiously. She didn’t know if this action would be well received today, even though it was last night. When Emma let her take her hand, she knew they were making progress. 

“Emma, in my home you will never be denied food or comfort. I love to cook, and there is always food in the house for you to have whenever you are hungry.” She looked at the blonde to see if her words were being well received. Though she knew that she would be apprehensive of Regina and her place in their home, she knew that she came by that feeling honestly, and that it would take time to prove to Emma that she meant what she said. Seeing that Emma wasn’t uncomfortable, she continue. “I know that in some of your homes in the past, your foster parents have used food and violence to control you, and if you ever want to talk about it, or feel there is something I should know, I am always here. I will never get angry with you for being upset or crying, for being hungry or for wanting physical comfort. You can be however you need to be with me. No judgment.” She ran her thumb over Emma’s knuckles in a calming fashion and watched as Emma took in her words.

Emma took small bites of her food and sipped the juice, all actions very unlike her adult counterpart, while Regina drank her coffee and ate her pancake. When Emma was done, she went to stand up, desperately trying to hide the wince of pain that adorned her face as a tearing sensation rippled through her stomach. Regina, of course, noticed. Regina was quick to her feet, taking both of their plates, and instructing Emma to sit back down. With the dishes in the sink, she held out her hand for Emma. She took it with only slight hesitation… progress. 

Regina lead them to the living room and motioned for Emma to join her on the couch. Still holding her hand, Regina started rubbing circles on her knuckles with her thumb, knowing this conversation would be difficult, and remembering how it calmed the blonde the night before. 

“Emma, I need to ask you something, and I want you to know that whatever you share with me will not leave the two of us. You can take as much time as you need to answer, and I will stay right here with you. I want you to remember what I said about physical comfort. If you want a hug or want to be held, I am here. You get to decide what is safe for you. Okay?” Regina waited for the obviously distressed blonde to give her the go ahead to continue the conversation. With a nod from Emma, she took a breath and asked. 

“I’ve noticed that you’ve been holding your stomach this morning. You did so last night as well, and this morning you have been hunched over, wincing in pain whenever you try and stand up straight. Do you know why that is?” Emma’s eyes filled with tears and her hand went instinctively towards her hip. Knowing Emma’s propensity for self-harm, Regina grabbed her other hand and started rubbing circles on the back of that hand as well. Emma’s chest heaved with sobs she was trying to bite down, trying to gasp for the air that had escaped her lungs. She laced one hand through Regina’s and squeezed. Regina squeezed back, knowing that this was the blonde’s way of reaching out to try and ground herself. “In and out, sweetie. Just breath.” She said in a soothing mantra. They sat in silence until ten minutes later, Emma nodded her head yes.

“Emma, were you raped?” This time, Emma couldn’t bite back the sobs that escaped her body. She doubled over, ripping her hands out of Regina’s grasp and cried. Emma reached out from underneath her and gripped her neck, clawing hard enough to draw blood. Regina quickly laced her fingers through Emmas and pulled their hands to Regina’s chest. To her surprise, the blonde moved to lean into Regina’s side, and recognizing the request for what it was, she unlocked one of her hands from the blondes and put her arm around Emma’s shoulder before lacing their fingers together again. “You’re safe now, sweetie. Just let it out. I’m right here. Good girl.” It took a long time for Emma’s breathing to resume normally, and all the while, Regina held her and hummed a soft tune that Mal had sung to her in the Enchanted Forest whenever she got scared.

“A warm bath and aspirin will help with some of the pain for now.” She said matter-of-factly. Emma looked up at her, questioning. 

“How do you know?” She asked carefully, not wanting to overstep her boundaries and risk upsetting the only person that had ever been kind to her. 

“It used to help me.” She said softly and watched as understanding washed over Emma. She never talked about her time with Leopold. It wasn’t a time of her life she wished to relive, and there was an unspoken understanding among those that knew her that it was not a topic ever to be broached; she would, however, if it meant making Emma feel less alone and ashamed by what had happened. “If you ever want to talk about what happened, I am here.” She looked dead into Emma’s eyes as she spoke, hoping to convey the sincerity in her words. 

They sat for a while, embracing each other. Emma’s shoulders and upper back started to lose their rigidity, she leaned her head more wholly against Regina’s heart, seeking comfort in the rhythmic beat, and her body lost the protective tension it had held previously.

“I’m scared” Emma whispered. Her voice was barely audible, but Regina caught it. 

“Of what, dear?” There were too many things that that sentence could apply to right now that Regina couldn’t venture a guess as to which she was talking about. 

“A bath.” Emma forced out. She hoped Regina would understand. She was starting to trust her, and while that scared Emma so much, she desperately craved the warmth and care that the brunette was offering. She had never had someone genuinely care for her, and Regina has been nothing but understanding and kind. 

“Are you scared of the pain or being nude?” She remembered how hard it was to cope with being unclothed, even just by herself after Leopold. It took her years to look at herself nude, and even longer to be comfortable in such a state with another person… some days she was still unable to manage the latter. 

The blonde let out a breath. She did understand. “Both.” She said, then took another breath and added, “I… I don’t know if I can get out of my jeans.” She admitted as she cast her eyes downward in embarrassment. Her body started to tense again and her eyes glazed over. She didn’t want to have to ask for help undressing. She had managed by herself after every beating and rape she endured over the years, and if she couldn’t, she just didn’t shower. Foster parents didn’t care and she was never in school enough for the teachers to notice, but she was in so much pain, and she didn’t think Regina would hurt her, but then again, so many people had. No one had shown her kindness before, though, and with Regina, she wasn’t flailing in the wind trying to explain how she felt or why she reacted the way she did. Regina just knew.

“Do you want me to help you out of them?” Regina kept her voice warm, knowing how hard that admission was for the blonde. Emma just nodded. She couldn’t bring herself to speak. “Do you want to take a bath now or later?” 

She started to shake and the tears she fought to keep back fell. She wanted the pain in her tummy to go away or at the very least, lessen, but the thought of being naked made her want to claw the skin off her body. Her heart started to race and her breathing picked up a shallow and rapid pace. Regina just started rubbing circles on her knuckles again and picked up humming where she had previously left off. 

When Emma calmed down again, Regina knew that the anxiety over making the choice as to when to have a bath had caused the panic attack. Bathing was a vulnerable state to be in regardless, but needing someone to witness it, to help, after being intimately violated was unbearable at best.

“Why don’t you bathe now, and then we can come back downstairs for tea and a movie?” Regina softly suggested. She knew a bath would be an uphill battle and that the blonde would need constant comfort afterward. Seeing that being held had helped Emma calm down, she hoped she would allow her to do so after the bath, but knew from experience that being touched at all could be enough to make you relive the assault. 

Emma finally looked up at Regina and released some of the tension in her body when all she saw was understanding. She didn’t speak. She didn’t think she could even if she wanted to. Sensing this, Regina unwound herself from Emma and stood from the couch. Emma followed suit and immediately grabbed Regina’s hand, squeezing hard enough for her to know that Emma was scared. She turned towards Emma, grabbed her other hand, and bent down until they were eye-level. 

“If at any point you want to stop or want me to leave, just tell me. We do this at your pace, sweetie. I know this is hard.” Emma gave her a slight nod and they continued up the stairs towards the guest bathroom. She turned towards Emma. “Door open or closed?” She knew it was a fifty-fifty shot as to whether a closed door felt safer or made her feel like she was being trapped. 

Emma tapped twice on her chest indicating the second choice. Regina closed the door and started to run the bath. 

“How do you feel about bubbles?” She asked with a smile holding up the lavender bubble bath. That got a smile out of Emma who just nodded. Regina added the bubble bath under the running water and turned towards Emma. “Do you need help with just your jeans or your shirt as well?”

“Just jeans.” She replied, her voice horse and broken as she spoke. Regina bent down and looked up to Emma for consent. Emma nodded, and Regina unbuttoned her jeans and stated to side them down her legs. She let Emma hold onto her shoulders as she stepped out of them. She turned towards the door, moving to leave to give the girl some privacy when a hand caught her shoulder. She turned to a wide-eyed Emma. 

“Please stay.” Regina smiled and went to sit on the toilet seat. Emma, holding one arm across her stomach, used the other to gingerly pull her shirt up over her head and down her other arm. She cried out in pain, but managed to do it herself. She looked towards Regina, who had turned her head away from Emma to give her privacy while she was undressing. Emma smiled, grateful she didn’t have to ask. She brought each strap of her bra down her arms, brought the eye hook to the front of her body and unclasped it. Biting back another cry of pain, she slid her panties down her leg and walked towards the bath. She got in and walked until her back was flush against the tiled wall and used it to help ease her body into the bath, whimpering, tears streaming down her face in pain. Regina bit back tears of her own at the sounds coming from Emma. 

Once she knew Emma was in the bath, she walked towards the medicine cabinet, retrieved two aspirin, and filled the cup by the sink with some water. She gave them to Emma, who smiled in appreciation, and resumed her seat at the other end of the bathroom. 

Emma brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them, hugging herself. Her eyes unfocused and her body went limp. She felt floaty and numb as she lost a the fight against her mind who aggressively forced a replay of one of her first nights with Mike and Lynn. 

_Jamie just left. She’s never been one of those social workers who sticks around to make sure you are comfortable once she places you. She just kind of throws you to the wolves so to speak. I dragged my black garbage bag with my belongings up to the room the woman (Lynn I think her name was?) showed me to. There is a bed at least. That’s more than I had in my last home._

_“I’m going to work. Mike will tell you the rules of the house.” She bites as she turns abruptly to leave the room. She smells of cheap wine and perfume. ‘It’s going to be one of those houses’ I think to myself. I don’t bother to unpack; there isn’t any point anymore. Not like I have much; some clothes that don’t fit my thin frame, a tattered copy of James and the Giant Peach, and my baby blanket that I always keep hidden from the people I live with._

_The last house I was in, the woman smelt like that too… the stale booze haphazardly covered up by perfume. She has the same look in her eye that Izzy did – the one that tells you that you mean less than nothing to her. It wasn’t until the sixth trip to the emergency room that social services started to catch onto what was happening at that house. The doctors bought Izzy’s bullshit excuses and Jamie didn’t ever check in. Not that she would say anything if she did. You learn to keep your mouth shut and keep things close to your vest. I wanted to cry, but I’m pretty sure I spent the cache of tears I was allotted for my lifetime a long time ago. After that, you just go numb. That’s what I am… numb._

_Mike came to the door and told me in no uncertain terms that he wouldn’t have a dirty street rat in his house and that I needed to go shower, so I did. Hot water is a luxury that I didn’t have much, so I didn’t put up a fight. He showed me to the bathroom and I closed the door behind him. I turned the shower on as hot as it would go, stripped off my baggy jeans and hoodie, and stepped in letting the hot water bring some of the life back into me._

_I got out, wrapped a towel around my body, and walked back to my room, clothes in hand. Shutting the door, I started rummaging around for clothes in the garbage bag when I heard the door open. I abruptly turned around to see Mike standing there with a faint smirk on his face._

_“What are you doing? Get out!” I yelled at him, and immediately regretted it when his eyes went from slightly amused and predatory to all consuming rage. He made quick work of his belt and started toward me with purposeful strides. The room wasn’t big – he caught me before I could make a move. He grabbed my arm in an iron grip and my towel dropped as he threw me onto the bed, tummy down. I was bent awkwardly at the waist over the bed when the first lash came down. I bit back the scream that threatened to tear through my chest. I moved to get off of the bed, but he grabbed the back on my neck and leaned down, his front flush against my back._

_“You will learn to behave in this house. My rule is law. Now stay still.” He growled in a low, menacing tone. He continued to beat me with the belt, raining lashes on my back, ass, and thighs hard enough to ring through my whole body. I scampered to get away when there was a break in his beating and curled myself into the fetal position, head tucked under my hands, on the bed. He started beating me again, and I screamed when the belt wrapped around my stomach. He threw the belt on the floor, and I could feel the bed dip next to me. He was right there._

_He forced my body supine on the bed and held the back of my neck down so I couldn’t get up… couldn’t breathe. He kneeled between my legs and spread them with his own._

_“Get off of me! What are you doing? No, no, no…” I screamed, but he just held my head down harder against the mattress._

_“You’re mine now, bitch.” He chuckled and forced his fingers into me. I screamed at the intrusion, but he only thrust harder._

_After what felt like a lifetime, he got up, took his grip off my neck and pulled my head back by my hair. He forced the fingers that were inside of me into my mouth and I could taste the blood on them as I gagged. He laughed again and left the room._

Emma gasped for air, still feeling his fingers in her mouth, stealing the air from her lungs. She gagged and gasped in between; flailing her limbs at a phantom attacker. She felt his calloused hands inside of her as the distinct smell of stale beer and cigarettes permeated her senses. She gripped the side of the bathtub and promptly vomited trying to purge her body of the not so distant memory. Regina was at her side immediately and softly pulled her hair back to prevent anymore vomit from getting on it. 

“Shh, sweetie, come back to me. Follow my voice” she cooed as she rubbed soothing circles on the young girl’s back. Regina knew this flashback was of a different memory. Her body reacted differently than it had to the first… she hadn’t gagged during the first. Her stomach sank at the implications and knew that the abuse had been more significant and chronic than she had assumed.

Emma took in a shaky breath, eyes glazed over, body trembling. All she wanted to do was escape this feeling – the fear and disgust and shame that accompanied the memories that her mind was so keen on forcing her to relive. She wanted to feel anything else. There was something else, though, soft in comparison to the veracity of her memory, it was there. A voice, and a soft hand on her back. She anchored onto it for dear life and focused on it as much as she could. She wanted that; the care that the voice and the accompanying action implied. ‘Is this all some sort of trick? Am I hallucinating?’ She thought. ‘No! I won’t let myself believed that. I need this so badly.’ She was sure the internal monologue was playing out on her features because the woman’s voice got stronger. Not angry, but firm. It sounded familiar, but distant, like she was hearing it from underwater. The more she focused on it, the closer it got. Regina. 

“Gina?” She questioned.

“I’m right here, dear.” She continued to rub her back while she came back to her body before she asked, “Is it okay if I wash your hair? There is some vomit in it.” Seeing the apprehension on the blonde’s face, she added “I’ll be gentle, I promise.” Emma nodded. She took a plastic cup from under the sink that she had used to wash Henry’s hair when he was younger and motioned for Emma to tilt her head back. She poured water over the blonde’s hair while using the side of her hand at her hairline to block any water from flowing onto her face. She reached across Emma to the other side of the bathtub where the shampoo and conditioner was, placing a dime-size amount of the apple scented shampoo in her hands and started to massage it into her scalp. Emma sighed at the ministrations and leaned into the touch. 

“Do you like having your hair played with?” There was no accusation in her voice, just genuine curiosity. Unable to speak, Emma just nodded. Regina smiled at having found another way to comfort the blonde that was safe for her. She washed out the soap and repeated her actions with the conditioner. When that was out, Emma had calmed but was still shaking. Regina got up from where she was kneeling beside the tub to get a towel for Emma, but was stopped when a hand gripped hers tightly. Emma squeezed indicating she was scared. Regina squeezed back and clarified “I’m just getting a towel, I will be right back. I promise.” She smiled, hoping it would ease some of the blonde’s anxiety. It didn’t.

Regina returned quickly and opened the towel for Emma to step into. Her stomach hurt less, so she was able to stand slightly straighter and walked directly into Regina’s arms. She wrapped the towel around Emma and walked them to the guest bedroom, still embracing. She sat on the bed and Emma took her hand as if to say ‘please don’t leave.’ Regina situated herself on the bed, sitting against the headboard, and pulled the blonde down with her, holding her in her arms as she gently rocked them back and forth. She rested her head on Emma’s and laced their fingers together, knowing that soothed the still trembling teen.

“Why don’t we change into pajamas and watch a movie in the living room? Does that sound alright, dear?” Emma nodded and as Regina stood to walk to the dresser for the clothes she had conjured for teen Emma upon her arrival; Emma took and kept ahold of her hand. It seemed Emma didn’t want Regina far, and that suited her just fine; if she was honest, she didn’t want to leave Emma alone right now.  
  
She took out a pair of panties, sweats, and a soft grey t-shirt handing them to Emma. She let go of the brunette’s hand and Regina diverted her eyes to give Emma privacy while still remaining close. After Emma was changed, Regina grabbed the brush from the dresser, held her hand again and they walked downstairs together. Regina waved her hand discretely on their way down the steps to clean up the mess in the bathroom. That was the last thing she wanted the teen worry about. 

They walk over to the couch and Regina hands Emma the remote for her to pick out what to put on. After some silent deliberation, she presses play on Harry Potter. ‘Like mother, like son’ Regina think to herself, remembering how many times the movie had served as an escape for her son when he was upset. She guided Emma to the floor between her legs and started to carefully brush through her hair ends to roots. Knowing Emma found comfort in the soft ministrations, she took her time braiding her blonde tresses into an intricate crown, thinking sleeping in braids would help tame the unruly curls and bed head that adult Emma always woke up with. She wondered now if the rats nest of hair wasn’t in part due to tossing and turning during nightmares. She places her hands on the teen’s shoulders indicating she is done braiding, and Emma immediately stands and moves to sit next to Regina, though stops just short of actually sitting. 

Regina holds out her hand and is rewarded by a slight smile and sigh of relief from the blonde. Regina pulls her into a seated position next to her, though Emma moves to lay her head on the brunette’s lap. Recognizing this position for the leap of faith it was, she laces her finger with the blonde’s with one hands and starts rubbing lazy patterns on her back with the other. Emma pulls their interlocked hands into her chest as she watches the movie. 

The sat in silence for a good while, both lost in their own thoughts, when Emma says in a voice barely above a whisper, “please don’t leave me.” Her voice broke, sounding like the please of a hurt little girl so much younger than her thirteen year old self. In saying those four words, Emma did the one thing she promised herself she would never do. She let someone in. 


	3. Tired of Running

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I have updated the tags of this fic to better reflect some of the topics that will be discussed. This fic is primarily about a parent/child relationship between Regina and Emma, so while Henry, MM, and David will be present, they will not be featured prominently, especially given the way I chose to write Emma’s trauma history. 
> 
> As always, please take care of yourself first. TW for semi-graphic descriptions of abuse and self harm. 
> 
> I have very mixed feelings about this chapter, and would love some feedback!
> 
> M.

Emma woke up on the couch, still in Regina’s arms. ‘She must have fallen asleep after I did,’ Emma thought. She turned her head towards the window and stared out at the Prussian blue sky peppered with the soft glow of the stars peaking out from behind the wisps of clouds. She looked up towards the moon like she had done so many times before, and breathed a sigh of relief; letting herself, if only for a minute, open up to the possibility that she might have found a home in Regina. That she might be able to trust Regina.

Trust. That word had damned her since the day she was found abandoned on the side of the highway. There are people in this world that children are supposed to inherently trust, notably, there parents. Trust that they will protect you, keep you safe from the monsters under the bed, comfort you when you are scared, make sure you have enough to eat…make you feel loved. Her biological parents abandoned her. She could look past that on her good days. For years, her younger self blindly trusted the people whose care she wound up in. Even after they starved her or beat her or used her as a human ashtray, she still forgave them at the slightest hint of care – a single soft touch, a single note of praise, a kind gesture, like the stuffed bunny she was given that she had kept hidden all of these years because it had brought nothing but ridicule when she was inevitably placed in group homes. She had faith that the next home would be better than the last because she wanted so desperately wanted a mom. Someone she could run to when she was scared, someone who could hold her that she wouldn’t flinch away from because she knew they would never hurt her. After being in so many homes, after being shown in so many violent ways that her body was not her own, she had given up on ever having that care. She had walled herself off from people who tried because she knew that no one showed her kindness without wanting something equally demeaning in return. She stopped hoping that her birth parents would take her away from the hell her life became. No one was going to save her.

Then she woke up here, in this home, with this mysterious, beautiful woman that had been nothing but kind and understanding. She hasn’t pushed for the details of Emma’s life, though her behavior was marred with the ramifications of it. She never questioned or intruded upon Emma’s boundaries or made her speak when words were beyond her. Most important to Emma, though, was that she never lied. She never expected more than what Emma was willing to give, never hoped for her to be something that she was not. She never made promises she didn’t keep or lead her to do or say something under false pretenses. She was genuine, and Regina picked up on everything. Every noise Emma made or the way she responded, even subtly, to the slightest of touch or position of Regina’s hand. There were never any words, there never needed to be. Regina just understood… she understood what it was like to be broken. 

She could feel the brunette’s body heat, the soft undertones of her delicate, intoxicating perfume on the nape of her neck, her steady heartbeat, and soft breaths washed over her senses like a calming drug. Admittedly, she didn’t want to move; she didn’t want to break the feeling of content that the brunette had brought her for the first time in her life… and that was why she had to go. Regina didn’t deserve this… this mess. Emma knew herself well. She knew that she would run when she got scared, that she would shut down or lash out when her mind viciously forced a vivid replay of the worst events of her life. She knew how bad they could get… how real they felt; how far gone she could get. She knew how badly she could hurt herself, and she was beyond afraid that she might hurt Regina if it happened. She couldn’t help it – she didn’t know she was anywhere but in the past. Regina deserved better than her. Everyone did. Izzy and Lynn and Mike and all the others had made sure of that. 

With tears flooding her emerald eyes, she carefully unwrapped herself from Regina’s embrace and walked towards the stairs to collect a few things before she left. She didn’t need much, and she couldn’t take much on the run anyways. She found a bag in the back of the closet, a change of clothes that Regina must have bought for her, her white knit baby blanket, her tattered copy of James and the Giant Peach that she has managed to hold onto for all of these years, and a few toiletries. She would find a bathroom to brush her teeth in once she left town. She took one last look around the room and started to cry. She had never felt so conflicted with her decision to run before. It had always been an unequivocal yes; never did she have a second thought about leaving all of the abusive households she was in. Regina’s house was different though. She wanted to be here, she didn’t want this to be too good to be true. She wanted Regina to hold her and braid her hair and just sit there with her when she was beyond words. She wasn’t running from a bad situation this time. She was running from herself. She was scared of being cared for – for being that vulnerable with another person. The thought of leaving devastated her, but the urge to run was overwhelming. She threw the bag across the room, ran to the corner farthest from the door, sat down and sobbed. She gripped her hair in her hands with purpose and tried, to no avail, to rip the thoughts from her head. 

“Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop…” she whispered to herself, banging the back of her head against the wall. She untangled one of her hands from her hair and with a closed fist, beat her hand against her thigh, just under her hip. She slowly laid down on her side and curled into the fetal position still punching her hip with all the strength she could muster. She pulled her sweats down to expose the now welted skin, and dug her nails into her hip hard enough to draw blood. She continued her mantra all the while, begging her mind to stop berating her with all of her insecurities and fears spoken in the cutting tone of all of her old foster parents. She had no more tears left. She laid there, blood trickling down her thighs from the gouges she made in her now welted skin, staring at the blank wall. ‘I can’t do this anymore,’ she thought as the last tear slipped from her water line and down the side of her face. 

Time was of no concern, but she laid on the floor long enough to think about what her life had become. She had been hurt so many time, in so many ways, and in every instance, all she wanted was a home with someone that truly cares for her. Thinking that Regina might be that for her scares her so much, but she’s so tired of being alone and scared of who might hurt her or where her next meal will come from. ‘I don’t want to run anymore,’ she told herself, and she knows that starts with talking to Regina. Thinking about what she will tell the brunette is the hardest thing she has ever done. Every wall she has built is screaming at her, telling her that this is a terrible idea; that Regina won’t want her anymore, or will look at her with pity or worse, disgust, but she wants this so badly… she needs this. She slowly picks herself up off the floor, her vision blacking out, legs going numb as she stood. She caught herself on the wall and waited for her vision to return. She took the packed bag from across the room and shoved it under the bed, hiding her almost decision from Regina’s line of sight. She’ll unpack it later. She took a deep breath and walked down the stairs to the couch she was sure Regina would still be asleep on. 

When she turned towards the living room, Regina wasn’t on the couch where she had left her. In a momentary panic, she quickly whipped around to take an inventory of the room and the surrounding area to look for her. In doing so, she saw the faint glow of a light in the kitchen and slowly walked in that direction. Regina leaning up against the counter, coffee in hand. She smiled lightly at Emma, turned around, and handed her a cup of hot cocoa with cinnamon sprinkled on top. Emma hesitantly took the cup, and looked at Regina perplexed. 

“I felt you get up and thought you could use some space to think,” she said calmly. Emma looked up at her and tears started streaming from her eyes. Regina held her hand out, and when Emma took it, she lead them to the table, facing one another. She continued to sip her coffee and hold Emma’s hand, waiting for the distraught teen to gather her thoughts. This was a conversation they would have to have on her own time, and Regina was more than willing to give her as much time as she needed. 

“I can’t do this anymore,” in a tone almost akin to a whimper. Tears were streaming more freely now at that admission. She lifted her eyes briefly to see a shadow appear behind hazel eyes. She knew what Emma meant, and they were both heartbroken by that fact. 

“What can’t you do, sweetie?” Regina knew, they both did. Regardless, she knew that Emma needed to put into words how much pain she was in so they could work through it together. Noticing Emma’s breathing pick up, she started rubbing circles on her knuckles and waited for her charge to come back to her body a bit more. 

“I can’t live like this anymore. I don’t want this life. They’re always here, no matter how much I run or how much I…. I can still feel them, hear them. All of them. It never stops.” Emma was openly sobbing now, and Regina took the cups from both of their hands, placed them on the table, and squatted down, eye-level, with the trembling blonde. She hooked her finger under the blond’s chin until jade met hazel, tears in both of their eyes.

“How much you what, Emma? You were about to say something and then stopped yourself… can you tell me what you were about to say?” Emma shook her head to the side violently, indicating no. She was mouthing the word, though no sound slipped from her lips. Regina took a shaky breath and schooled her emotions, knowing that her crying in front of Emma would only shut her down further. 

“Emma,” she said looking her straight in the eyes, “I promise there is nothing you can say to me that will make me leave you or want you any less.” Emma returned her look, and Regina knew that she had guessed the blonde’s fear correctly. Sensing that she was still conflicted in trusting Regina with such an important and deep emotion, Regina continued, “ I know what it is like to feel like you have nothing left to give, to wish for a life, any life, other than your own. I will not judge you, sweetie. Whatever you say, whatever you feel is safe with me. I promise.” Tears slipped from her own eyes at emotions and memories she has long since buried. 

Emma stood up, taking Regina’s hand to steady herself and looked into the brunette’s eyes, panic in her own. Regina gave her a soft smile and Emma tentatively embraced Regina, wrapping her arms around her slim waist, softly at first, but growing in strength as she let the tension flood from her body, relaxing into the embrace. Regina returned the hug with the same fervor, and used a hand to cup the back of Emma’s, stroking her hair as Emma laid her head on Regina’s chest. Regina could feel the tears soak through the silk of her shirt, and cooed into Emma’s ear silently willing Emma’s breathing to return back to normal. Emma pulled away, though only slightly, and released one of her hands from Regina’s grip.

“What’s wrong, dear?” She gave Emma a soft, questioning look. Emma closed her eyes, took a few deep breaths, and pulled down the waistband of her sweats just enough for Regina to see the gashes and welts on her hip. Emma immediately went to pull away from Regina and run away. Regina, however, saw it coming and wrapped her arms around the blonde, her front flush to Emma’s back, and she whispered in her ear, “Thank you for trusting me enough to show me that.” Emma grabbed onto Regina’s arms as she lowered them to the floor next to the dining room table. Regina pulled her into her lap and rocked them back and forth. 

Emma tried to stifle her yawns, but Regina could feel her exhaustion in the way the tension left her body. Emma’s eyes started to flutter shut, but she didn’t want to leave Regina. She was afraid of what would happen if she did. As Regina went to stand up, Emma wrapped her arms around Regina, tightly, refusing to let go. 

“We are both exhausted, my dear. Why don’t we go upstairs? I want to check and clean your hip before we go to bed, though.” Seeing the panic rise in the blonde, she quickly added, “I promise I will be gentle, and we will stop immediately if you become uncomfortable, but I need to make sure they don’t get infected.” While soft, her tone clearly indicated that Emma’s safety was not up for discussion. Regina departed the embrace and held out her hand for Emma to take. She laced their finger together and Emma squeezed, telling Regina she was scared. “I know,” Regina replied. 

They walked up the stairs and Regina lead them to her on-suite bathroom. She collected the first aid kit from under the sink and an aspirin from the counter for Emma. She quickly filled the cup by the sink with water and handed both to the trembling teen. When the aspirin was down, she took both of Emma’s hands and looked up for permission to take down her sweats. Emma squeezed her hands, Regina squeezed back, then Emma gave her a slight nod. With both hands, Regina pulled the waistband of the sweats down mid-thigh to see the damage Emma had done. Regina had to bite back a sigh as she took in the mirage of broken blood vessels, inflamed skin, and claw marks with dried blood surrounding them. She lead Emma’s hand to her shoulder so that she had both hands to work while making sure Emma still had physical contact with her. She quickly took washcloth and wet it in the sink with warm water to wipe the blood from her leg. She applied antibiotic ointment and wrapped the deepest of them in a waterproof bandage. She collected the supplies, put them away, and looked up to Emma who was staring off into the distance. 

“Emma, can you take your sweats off? I’m going to get a warm compress for your hip. It’ll help with the swelling and the pain.” Emma’s eyes were fluttering shut from exhaustion, but she complied. Regina took a clean washcloth and rinsed it under hot water, ringing it out when it was sufficiently warm. She took Emma’s hand and lead her to her bed. Regina pulled down the covers on Emma’s side and was met with a confused look from Emma who assumed she would be back in the guest bedroom tonight. Regina took her hand again and started running her finger through her hair with the other. 

“I don’t think it wise for you to be alone tonight,” she said matter-of-factly. She gave Regina a wane smile and felt a tremendous weight lift from her chest. She carefully climbed into bed and laid facing Regina’s side, abused hip up. Regina settled on her side and beckoned Emma to cuddle with her; an request that was immediately granted. 

“Put your leg over mine, sweetie,” Regina said. Emma complied, though hesitantly. Regina reached for the cloth she had put on the nightstand and applied it to Emma’s leg. Emma let out a contented sigh and curled into Regina more. The action made her smile and she stroked Emma’s hair as they both drifted off the sleep. 

The next morning, Emma woke to find herself alone in bed, and as the events of last night replayed in her head, she started to panic. ‘Why did I show her my hip? She won’t let me do it again now. Nothing else helps! She’ll never want me now.’ Emma’s thoughts began to swarm, and a wave of nausea threw her out of bed and into the bathroom just in time for her body to try and purge the malicious thoughts from her mind. 

Regina was downstairs making coffee and breakfast, thinking about how she was going to address the conversation Emma and she had last night. They were going to have to talk about her self harm, and work together to find something else that worked for Emma. Emma also told her that she felt ‘them’. It made her wonder what else Emma felt when she had flashbacks. She knew there was at least two sexual assaults that she had relived in the past few days… she didn’t want to push Emma to talk about what had happened to her, but she needed to have some idea of what she had gone through in order to help her. She knew from experience that putting words to the what happened to you can help you process. It was not easy, though, and she had planned their day accordingly. She was broken from her revere by the someone running upstairs. ‘Emma,’ she thought, and immediately rushed up the stairs. Seeing the bed empty, she walked to the bathroom to see the blonde bent over the toilet bowl, throwing up nothing but bile. 

Regina walked towards her slowly and pulled her hair back with one hand, rubbing small circles on her back with the other. Emma started hyperventilating and retched again, though nothing came up. She sat against the wall and pulled Emma into her lap, embracing her as the blonde curled into the fetal position. Her stomach was on fire, and Regina could see her squeeze her eyes shut and clench her fists in pain. She strained to reach for the bath and turned the water on warm. She picked Emma up and set her down on the toilet seat where she promptly wrapped one arm around her midsection and grabbed Regina’s hand with the other. Regina plugged the tub and walked towards Emma. 

“I know you’re in pain, sweetie. The warm water from the bath will help, I promise. Do you need help with your shirt?” Her voice was soft, knowing that being undressed was triggering for Emma. Emma immediately started trembling and snatched her hands from Regina. She started rocking herself back and forth, shaking her head and whimpering “no”. She started to retch again, so Regina picked her up bridle style and walked towards the tub. Emma promptly wrapped her arms around Regina’s neck with all the strength she could muster, not wanting to be put down. Sensing this, Regina got into the bath, clothes and all and sat Emma between her legs, wrapping her arms around the blonde and lacing their fingers together. 

“Shh, dear, you’re safe. You’re with me. It’s just me,” Regina cooed. 

“It’s just you, it’s just you, it’s just you…” Emma started repeating like a mantra. Regina started to hum in her ear, and Emma slowly started coming back into her body, comforted by the warm water and Regina’s body heat. 

“You’re clothes are ruined,” Emma said while playing with the hem of Regina’s silk blouse with her fingertips. 

“The clothes are of no consequence to me, dear. You needed me not to let go, so I didn’t.” Regina’s voice was low, sincere, and calming to Emma’s erratic mind who was conditioned to think of absolutely everything as her fault. 

“How’d you know?” Emma asked, genuinely curious how the brunette seemed to know her needs without her ever speaking a word. 

“You mean besides the death grip you had on my neck?” Regina said lightly, though, noticing that her answer was not sufficient for the wary teen, she added, “It was what I wish someone would have done for me when I was in your position.” Emma studied her carefully before she spoke. 

“You were abused.” It was a statement, and one made without any judgment or shock and awe. There were no words needed; they both understood. They sat in the bathtub, silent, in their own thoughts until Regina broke it, needing to prompt an undoubtedly hard conversation, 

“Sweetie, we need to talk about what happened last night.” Her voice was devoid of accusation or anger. She was concerned, Emma knew it, but she also knew that Regina wouldn’t judge her for it. 

“I know,” was all she said. 

“Why don’t we get out of these clothes and take this conversation to the couch?” Regina suggested. She figured Emma would want to be held during part, if not all, of it, and wanted to be in a position to do so. Besides that, she was grossly under caffeinated, and the coffee machine was downstairs. 

Regina got out first, wrapping a towel around herself and stripped her drenched clothing off underneath the towel. She secured it around her chest and looked to Emma, who had not made any move to get up. 

“How’s your stomach feeling, dear?” Emma started shaking her head ‘no’, and Regina knew she might be in too much pain to move without help. She bent down and picked Emma up, setting her on the edge of the bathtub. She wrapped a towel around the blonde, and took both of her hands. 

“Have you ever had your stomach looked at by a doctor, sweetie?” She asked carefully, fully prepared for a panic attack as a result of the question. Immediately, Emma curled into the fetal position and threaded her hands in her hair. 

“P..please d..d..d.on’t make m..me.” She stuttered between double breaths. 

“Shhh, sweetie. It’s going to be alright. I’m not going to make you do anything.” Regina reassured as she picked Emma up. She grabbed a heating pad from under the sink and took Emma to the guest room to get changed. She set Emma down on the bed, grabbed a pair of panties, sweats, and a Guns ‘N Roses tee before heading back towards the blonde. She handed the clothes to Emma and turned around for her to get dressed. 

Emma, swallowing back the cries at the tearing sensation in her stomach, managed to put on the panties and sweats. However, she couldn’t reach her arms up over her head to take off the wet t-shirt. She really didn’t want to have to ask Regina for help, but her stomach hurt too bad for her to do it herself. She tapped Regina lightly on the hip, hoping she would know what Emma needed without having to ask. 

Regina turned around and saw the girl half-dressed and still in a soaking wet shirt. That wasn’t shocking. She couldn’t take her arms off her midsection much less lift them to take her shirt off. She took the hem of her shirt in her hands and looked up at Emma. “May I?” She received a nod, and stripped the sopping material off the the teen before quickly putting the clean shirt on her; head first, then gingerly helping each arm through one-by-one. She held out her hand and lead Emma back to her bedroom so that she could change into something more comfortable. She sat Emma on the bed and turned towards her. 

“I’m going to get changed real quick, then we can head downstairs.” Without much further ado, she went to her closet and opted for leggings and a soft long-sleeved t-shirt. She took Emma’s hand again and headed down the stairs noticing that the teen leaned heavily on the rails, too dizzy and in pain to walk on her own. After 3 stairs, Regina couldn’t bear the winces on Emma’s face, and promptly picked her up, which earned her a slight squeak from the blonde. She sat Emma on the couch, and with a promise to be right back, retrieved broth, saltines, and tea for Emma and coffee for herself. Emma looked at the food with apprehension. 

“I know you don’t want to eat right now, but you need to try and get something in your system. You’re too dizzy to stand, and starving yourself is only going to make the pain worse.” Regina looked at her sympathetically, remembering how difficult it was for her to eat sometimes, but knew that she had to try and coax Emma into eating as much as her body could handle right now. Emma nodded slightly and started dipping the crackers in the broth and taking bird-like bites of them, following each bite with a sip of tea. After a dozen or so crackers were in her system, Regina turned her body towards Emma. 

“Emma, can you tell me what happened last night?” ‘Best not to beat around the bush’ she though. She knew how much adult Emma despised word games. It’s part of why they got along so well. Regina was blunt by nature, and Emma appreciated that she said what she meant and meant what she said. Regina always assumed it was because so many people had lied to her in her life. She still suspects that to be the case, though now she thinks the reality of those lies might be more sinister than she originally thought. “Take a few deep breathes, dear. We will do this in your own time. There is no rush.” She added. Emma nodded and couldn’t hold back the tears in her eyes. 

“Mike and Lynn.” She said with unmistakable pain in her voice. 

“Your last foster home?” Emma nodded. She reached out for Regina’s hands and was glad when Regina immediately laced their fingers together and squeezed, their silent way of Regina telling her that she was alright. 

“Lynn was always drinking. She was a violent drunk. She’d throw me around, beat me. Nothing worse than a few broken ribs and cuts from glass most of the time. She took a lot of pills, and she would usually pass out on the mix before she could do any real damage.” Emma stopped to study Regina; to see if there was any disgust written in her features. There wasn’t, though Regina herself knew without a shadow of a doubt that if she ever got her hands on either of these people, she would murder them, slowly and without any shred of remorse. ‘What has happened to this poor girl that a few broken ribs isn’t considered real damage?’ Regina thought. Regina squeezed her hand again, and Emma took another breath. 

“Mike he…he would never do it when Lynn was home.” She started to tremble and she looked at Regina, pleading. Regina opened her arms inviting Emma to be held. Emma immediately moved into Regina’s side, Regina wrapped her arm around Emma’s shoulders and lacing their fingers together. She squeezed again. “It started the first night I was there. I fought back at first. He would beat me with a belt until I couldn’t fight. He… he would pin me down, and…force his fingers in me.” Emma was hyperventilating, and Regina started to take deep breaths, exaggerating her chest movements to indicate to Emma that she was supposed to copy her breathing pattern. Emma started to calm down, focusing on her breaths and Regina’s holding her, promising her safety while reliving a memory that was so unsafe. 

“It hurt so much. I could feel myself… tearing. I bled a lot. He just laughed and would force his fingers into my mouth after. I was twelve.” Regina schooled her body language, knowing that Emma would take even the slightest muscle contraction as anger towards her and not the people who hurt her. “The last time was worse. The night before I came here. He didn’t just use his finger that time… he..” She gasped for breath before stuttering out, “he raped me.” She was sobbing now, trembling so much that she was sure she would break apart, but Regina was there, holding all of the broken pieces together as she promised she would. “Lynn had beaten me badly that day. I couldn’t move. He knew that… I didn’t even fight him.” 

Emma took a break to cry for the little girl who she was finally acknowledging; the one who was hurt so badly by so many people. The one who was violated in the most intimate of ways when all she wanted was love. The one who fought her teen counterpart tooth and nail to trust Regina; to allow for the love they had both searched their whole lives for.

Regina kissed Emma on the top of her head and held her tighter. Regina knew there was so much more to Emma’s trauma history, and she knew there was at least one other abusive foster home that she had mentioned in passing, but she knew the incredibly amount of trust Emma placed in her in sharing what she did. She cooed in her ear until Emma was calm enough to truly listen to what Regina had to say. 

She squeezed Emma’s hand and Emma looked up at her; emerald eyes red-rimmed and puffy. 

“Emma, I need you to trust me when I say that nothing that has happened to you is your fault. You have more light and strength in your heart than you know, and despite everything you have been through, you survived. You made it here, to me, and I promise you, no one will ever hurt you like that again. You are safe, here, with me.” She knew that those words would be hard if not impossible for Emma to take to heart right now. After so long of being told and treated like less than nothing, it is a life-long battle to believe otherwise. Regina should know; she is still fighting it, but she hopes that slowly she can help Emma to believe her words to be true. 

“Is that why you hurt yourself? Felling the rape?” Emma looked upwards and caught nothing but understanding in Regina’s eyes, so she nodded. 

“I can feel his hands.” She said simply, knowing that Regina could fill in what was left unsaid. 

“Next time you feel like hurting yourself, do you think you could come and get me instead? I don’t like the idea of you being alone with that memory or those feelings.” Regina spoke with genuine concern and that fact did not allude Emma. She knew that the offer was authentic, and knew that Regina would try and help in any way she could. If anyone could help, it would be her. 

“I can’t always talk… not when I get like that. I can’t talk a lot.” Emma admitted, down casting her eyes, slightly embarrassed. 

“That’s okay, sweetie. I know when you squeeze my hand that you are scared and unable to talk. Would something like that work for you? Having a signal like that?” Emma thought about it for a few minutes, then slowly nodded her head in affirmation. “Okay, if you squeeze my hand twice, I will know that you are having that kind of flashback. Do you think you could do that?” Again, Emma took a second to think; as if imagining herself in a scenario in which she would have to do that action to make sure it was realistic. She nodded again in affirmation. Regina smiled proudly.

“Thank you for trusting me, Emma. I know how hard that is for you, and I want you to know that I know how much that means. I’m so proud of you.” She said softly, knowing that giving praise too fervently would most likely cause the blonde to react with aversion. 

“How does hot cocoa and Harry Potter sound?” Regina suggested, knowing that both would cheer the blonde up from their emotionally taxing day. Emma beamed and nodded enthusiastically. 

“Yes, please!” 

“Why don’t you start the movie and I’ll be back with the hot cocoa in a minute?” Emma nodded and immediately went for the remote. 

Regina went to the kitchen and put milk on the stove to heat up. She checked her phone briefly to find two text messages. One from Henry and one from Snow. She opened the one from Henry first not ready to deal with whatever nonsensical ramblings, round-about requests, or hope speeches she undoubtedly felt the need to thrust upon Regina at what was most assuredly an ungodly hour of the morning. 

Henry: Hey mom! How’s Ma? Can I come see her? Snow said she’s my age now? How did that happen?

Regina rolled her eyes and was seriously rethinking her resolve not to throttle her step-daughter for neglecting to properly inform a very persistent and very intelligent teenager about his mother’s condition. She knew that either Emma wouldn’t want him to see her like this, but they both resolved to never lie to Henry, so she answered honestly, albeit vaguely. 

Regina: Good morning, my Little Prince. Your mother is doing okay all things considering. For the time being, it would be best for you to stay with Mary Margret and David. Your mom magically regressed to her thirteen year-old self after reliving a very bad memory. We are working through it together, and she will be back to her normal size once she works through it. 

Henry: It’s from when she was in foster care wasn’t it? She has nightmares about it a lot. I can hear her crying sometimes, but she never talks about it. 

Regina: Yes, Henry. It is. 

Henry: Got it. Keep me updated?

Regina: I promise. 

Henry: Okay mom. I love you, and tell little mom I love her too. 

Regina: I will, thank you for understanding, Henry. 

Regina sighed in relief and thanked whatever gods for their incredibly intelligent and understanding son. She dreaded looking at the texts that Mary Margret sent, but detested the idea of her driving to Miflin St. to ‘check up’ on Emma if she didn’t get a satisfactory response promptly. The princess’s sense of boundaries were grossly lacking in Regina’s opinion. 

Snow: Hi, Regina! How is Emma? Is she still a teen? She looked so fragile last time I saw her. Is she eating? Has she had another episode? Can we see her? Maybe come for dinner? You can introduce us as friends, and I promise I won’t do anything to upset her. 

Regina rubbed her temples already feeling a migraine starting at the prospect of conversing with Snow. Emma certainly wasn’t ready for company, and Regina was determined to keep the specifics of Emma’s trauma to herself. It wasn’t hers to share and she knew adult Emma wouldn’t want Snow to know about most of what she’s been through. Her personality-defining hope speeches and a complex trauma history don’t mix. She also knew that Snow, and most likely David, wouldn’t let up until they saw Emma, and the last thing she needed was David showing up, sword in hand, to the manor to take ‘his daughter’ back. God she missed throwing fireballs. 

Regina: Emma is doing okay, all things considering. When she regressed, her body took on that of her actual thirteen year-old self. She is and was malnourished. We are working on it. Yes she has had multiple ‘episodes’, but we are working through them. Emma is not in a place to have company for a prolonged period of time, but if you want to “drop” paperwork off at the manor and “meet” her, that can be arranged. David cannot be present, and before you ask, you already know why. 

Snow: How long do you think she will stay like this? Can I “drop paperwork” off later today? David is not happy about it. It would help to know what she actually went through. He would never hurt her. You know that. 

Regina: Yes, you may. Give me a few hours to calm her down and talk to her about it. The details of what Emma has gone through are not mine to share. If adult Emma wishes to tell you, that is her business. Until then, David cannot come by the manor. Henry is under the same instruction.

Snow: I’ll be by around seven. 

Regina took a few deep breaths before she brought the cocoa out to Emma. She knew she wasn’t ready for company. Hell, she was barely able to be around Regina without having a trauma response, but she knew staving off Snow would only make it worse for Emma when she decided she decided she had been pushed off too long and showed up, David in tow. 

She set the cocoa down and took up a seat next to Emma. She looked towards Regina and immediately went ram rod straight. Suspicion in her eyes, she asked, “what is it?” Regina sighed. ‘Apparently teen Emma also had her superpower,’ she thought. She turned towards Emma and set her hands out for Emma to take if she wanted to. 

“A friend of mine, Mary Margaret, is going to be dropping by some paperwork for me later tonight. How would you feel about meeting her?” Regina decided before this conversation started that if Emma was really adverse to the idea, she would call Snow off. For both of their sakes, she hopes Emma is amendable. Emma hands were noticeably shaking, she reached out to grab Regina’s, and squeezed. “I know, sweetie. I will not leave you alone with her, even for a second. It’ll be quick, I promise.” Emma was still scared; it was in her posture, behind her eyes. She hated putting her in this position more than anything. She wished they could stay in their little bubble, away from the world. “How about this? If you want Mary Margaret to leave once she arrives or any time during the conversation, just tap my hip, and I will walk her out. Does that sound alright?” Emma started to lean into Regina, hoping she would understand what she needed. As usual, she did, and Regina held Emma while her body slowly stopped trembling. 


	4. Really, Snow?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! 
> 
> I’m sorry for the delay in this update, but I was having a really hard time writing Mary Margaret into this fic in a way that seemed even relatively realistic. I’m still not entirely please with the dialogue, but the encounter serves it’s purpose. 
> 
> I would love any feedback you have, and whether you think I should continue this fic with the teenage Emma/ Regina dynamic for a few more chapter, or if I should continue it with Emma as an adult.
> 
> Nothing super graphic in this chapter, but there is mentions of child abuse. As always, take care of yourself first. 
> 
> Thank you for all of the support with this fic! 
> 
> M.

Regina continued holding Emma while they had a Harry Potter marathon, deciding that keeping the few hours prior to Snow’s arrival light in nature would be beneficial for everyone involved. A few minutes short of seven o’clock, Regina heard Snow’s car pull into the driveway and feeling Emma’s body immediately tense, knew she had heard it too. She pulled away from Emma enough to look at her directly in the eyes, and could see every wall Emma had ever built get thrown up, firmly in place. Regina took Emma’s hands in hers and squeezed softly. 

“Remember what I told you. If you get uncomfortable or want her to leave at any time, just tap my hip and I will walk her out, okay dear?” Emma nodded once and slipped on a mask skirting the edge between utter indifference and rampant defiance. Regina knew she was scared, and knew this was Emma’s way of protecting herself, but she wished with every portion of her being that Emma never felt the need to wear this façade again.

As Regina walked to the foyer to open the door for Snow, Emma took a deep breath and disconnected herself from her body enough to feel numb. It was something she learned to do while she was with Izzy, and it had helped her survive the worst of her torment. She knew that Regina would never let this Mary Margaret hurt her, but that didn’t stop her from feeling the impending anxiety of being in a house with a stranger.

Regina opened the door for Snow and wasn’t surprised to see her adorned in her typical school teacher meets nun high-necked dress and cardigan combo. 

“Hi, Regina! Here is your paperwork.” Snow chirped as she winked at Regina, proud of her performance in pulling off their agreed upon excuse for her ‘meeting’ Emma. Regina didn’t even try to hide her eye roll at her step-daughter’s distinct lack of ability to convincingly play off even this simple half-truth. 

“Thank you for bringing it by the manor, Mary Margaret. I hope it wasn’t too much trouble.” Regina’s mayoral façade was firmly in place and Mary Margaret couldn’t help but dull her enthusiasm as she realized just how far removed from teen Emma’s life she really was. “Emma, dear,” she called out towards the living room, “will you come to the kitchen? I want you to meet someone.” Regina beckoned Mary Margaret to follow her to the kitchen where she started preparing two cups of tea and another hot cocoa for the teen. She usually detested allowing this much sugar in one day, but Emma needed the calories desperately, and this was something her stomach could handle even given the stressful situation they were in. 

Emma came into the kitchen and Regina immediately noticed that she was forcing her body straight up as to not show any sign of weakness to this stranger. Regina cringed internally, knowing that Emma must be biting back an excruciating amount of pain and immediately set the cup of cocoa at the counter for Emma to take a seat, knowing that that would alleviate some of the tearing sensation in her stomach. She handed the cup of tea to Snow and leaned against the counter, next to Emma, making sure that the blonde could discretely tap her hip if she needed to without Snow being any the wiser. 

“Emma, this is my friend, Mary Margret. She is a teacher at Storybrooke Elementary.” She then put her hand protectively on Emma’s shoulder and said, “Mary Margaret, this is Emma.” Mary Margaret went to move closer to Emma, but one look at Regina’s warning expression and raised eyebrow told her to stay put. Mary Margaret knew that look. It was the one she gave when she was being particularly protective over Henry, and knew that challenging it and moving closer to her regressed daughter would end with her on the sidewalk without so much as a second thought. Snow opted for a warm smile and looked towards Emma. 

“It’s nice to meet you, Emma! How are you liking Storybrooke so far?” She hoped that Emma would engage with her, but knew how suspicious her adult daughter could be of seemingly innocent questions, even with someone she knew well. She wasn’t naïve enough to believe that teen Emma would be much different. 

“It’s quite which is a nice change from being in Boston.” Her tone was formal and distant. Regina knew Emma had dissociated from herself, at least to some degree, but Snow seemed oblivious to that fact.

“Do you miss your friends from Boston?” Regina sucked in an imperceptible breath at the question, and felt Emma’s body tense under her hand. Snow was on thin ice, and Regina’s facial expression convey that ten-fold. 

“No,” Emma said without wavering. “I prefer to be alone.” Regina knew that she was, in her own way, informing Mary Margaret that she wanted to be left alone, and that her tolerance for this encounter was rapidly waning. Again, Mary Margaret seemed to either blatantly ignore that fact or decided her “need” to understand her regressed daughter’s behavior somehow overshadowed the obvious distress it was causing the already apprehensive teen. 

“I don’t know if Regina has told you about Granny’s yet,” Snow started as she looked to Regina for confirmation that this topic of conversation was more acceptable. Regina gave a slight nod and she continued, “but it is a diner on Main St. that has the best milkshakes and grilled cheeses I’ve ever had. Maybe the three of us could meet up for one once you get settled.” Snow avoided looking at Regina and opted to try and connect with her daughter in some way… any way. She could feel Regina’s penetrating gaze on her. She had been on the receiving end of it enough times in her life to know that Regina was a hair pin trigger away from stepping in if she thought this conversation was moving in a direction she didn’t like. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Emma’s response was noncommittal and suspicious. No one ever did anything nice without wanting something in return. No one except Regina. Getting milkshakes with Mary Margaret sounded like a bribe, and she didn’t like not knowing what would be asked of her if she agreed. 

“You should also try the duck pond. The color change this time of year makes for a gorgeous walk, and there are some great camping sites that my husband, David, and I like to go to farther back into the woods. We could show you sometime if you like. I know Regina isn’t much for the woods.” Snow’s face held a slight smirk at the light-hearted jab she made towards Regina who looked less than amused. 

“I simply prefer my leisure activities to not be accompanied by the possibility of Lyme Disease.” Regina quipped, earning a small chuckle from Emma. 

Emma looked up towards Regina before saying, “maybe the duck pond would be a good reading spot?” Regina smiled down at her. 

“It is. I go on my lunch break sometimes. It’s not far from my office. We’ll have to take a trip down there soon.” Emma smiled back, and Snow couldn’t help the pang of jealously that hit her watching the exchange. Emma seemed to have a bond with Regina that she very much longed to have with her herself. She was her daughter after all, not Regina’s. She knew that Regina was what Emma needed while she was regressed, but she was her mother after all. She deserved to know what was going on; maybe she could even help Emma get over whatever happened to her. She and David would never hurt her. She must know that, and even if she was a little hesitant around them, she would show Emma that she and David could be trusted, but she couldn’t do that if she didn’t know what happened, so she asked a question to open up that conversation with her daughter, hoping that teen Emma was more forthcoming about her past than her adult counterpart. 

“Do you miss your last foster home?” Both Regina and Emma went very, very still. ‘Of all of the ignorant, asinine things she could possibly say, this is the topic she chose to bring up’ Regina thought as she glared daggers at Snow. Emma immediately tapped her hip. Even had she not used their signal, Regina would have swiftly ended this encounter. She knew that Snow must have walked in with an agenda, and she was done humoring it at Emma’s expense. 

Emma abruptly got up from her seat and swiftly moved to go up the stairs as Regina moved towards Mary Margaret with purpose. Snow was stunned, not expecting such a strong and absolute reaction from Emma, and as Emma moved past Snow to make her way to the stairs, Snow grabbed her arm in an attempt to stop her. Emma stilled briefly before vigorously yanking her arm from Snow’s grip. Regina was there not a second later, grabbing Snow’s wrist and pulling her towards the door. 

“What in the hell were you thinking, Snow?” Regina growled. “I made it abundantly clear that asking after Emma’s past foster homes was strictly off limits, but despite my explicit instruction, you, in an entirely self-centered attempt to coax information out of your daughter that she does not wish for you to have, completely obliterated any possibility of getting to know this version of her.” Snow opened her mouth to undoubtedly protest the accusation or make some woefully ignorant justification for her action, but Regina waved her hand and magically silenced the princess. “If that wasn’t bad enough, you grabbed her, without her consent, fully aware that she does not, at either age, react well to sudden physical contact. Did it ever occur to you, Snow, that being touched might bring up traumatic memories for her? Or did you just disregard that possibility when it didn’t align with your less than skillfully hidden agenda?” She opened the door and walked a now teary eyed Mary Margret out before turning to her, glaring, and added, “if you cannot manage to have enough respect for your daughter to honor her boundaries, regardless of her age, you will not be allowed to engage with her while she is in my care. Adult Emma can make her own decisions regarding who she does and does not wish to engage with, and to what extent, but Emma’s care is my responsibility, and do not put yourself under any illusions about the damage you have just done.” 

Regina waved her hand to give the princess her voice back after having said her piece. To Snow’s credit, she looked truly devastated, and said simply, “I didn’t mean to.” 

“Whether you meant it or not, Snow, you hurt her.” With that, Regina shut the door to the mansion and swiftly went upstairs in search of Emma, whom she was sure was triggered by the events that just occurred. 

As Regina rounded the corner to the second floor landing, everything went eerily silent which was more disconcerting to Regina than if she had heard Emma screaming. She knew she must be hiding, and the thought of her being alone made the brunette sick. She kicked off her heels at the top of the stair, not wanting to make any more noise than absolutely necessary, She moved to the guest bedroom slowly as to not scare the teen in case she was in the room. 

“Emma, it’s just you and I in the house now. Mary Margaret is gone and will not be coming back. I know you are scared, sweetie, and I don’t want you to be alone right now. I know that you might not be able to talk, and that is okay. Can you give me some indication where you are?” Regina kept her voice soft and listened for some noise that would help her find Emma’s hiding place. 

She heard a faint rustle coming from her bedroom and moved slowly down the hall. She knocked on her door to let Emma know she was there and moved towards the walk-in closet. On the floor, behind her hung-up slacks was Emma, knees pulled to her chest with her hands clutched around them. Her head darted up when she sensed Regina at the door and she allowed a few tears to fall, knowing that Regina would keep her safe. Regina moved to sit on the floor next to the trembling teen and put her hands, palm up on her legs that were crossed at the ankle in front of her. They sat in silence while streams of tears flowed freely from jade orbs. They both knew what was going through Emma’s mind. Regina waited for Emma to initiate any physical contact, knowing that despite their progress over the past few days, that it might be most unwelcome at the moment. 

Emma stared ahead at the wall, looking straight through it. Her body felt weightless and heavy simultaneously as her mind reeled through all of those times with Izzy where her torment had started with a hand clutching her wrist with purpose. Emma hesitantly reached out for one of Regina’s hands, and was thankful when the brunette laced their fingers together. Emma squeezed twice and Regina sighed. 

“I know, dear,” She said softly, looking over to Emma who was still so far away from her body. 

“She used to do that too…Izzy.” Emma spoke with no inflection. Her affect was flat and she sounded so small. She couldn’t feel her body, not really, though she had faint recognition of the hand in hers. Regina watched her girl stare through the stormy grey wall and listened intently as she shared a part of herself that she knew Emma kept buried deep. “I was with her before Mike and Lynn. Whenever I was in trouble, she’d grab me like that. I didn’t always know why I was in trouble… I just knew I was. She would drag me to the basement and strip me naked. If I refused to undress, she’d beat me until I did. There was this old chest in the middle of the room with cuffs on either side and she’d force me into them. She’d use a belt I think. The splinters from the chest hurt worse than the welts. After a while you just go numb. She’d leave me there, chained; sometimes for the night, sometimes I think longer.” 

Emma fell into her side, sobbing. Emma reached her free hand out to grip her left hip with purpose, desperately trying to pry the phantom hand from her body. Regina reached over Emma and laced their other hands together, holding tightly knowing that she needed to be able to fight back against her memory. When Emma’s struggling didn’t let up ten minutes later, Regina, still holding her hands, lifted Emma between her legs and wrapped their arms, criss crossed, one under the other immobilizing Emma in a protective hold. 

Emma continued to fight, though it dissipated quickly in their new position. Body still tense, she squeezed Regina’s hands firmly and let her head fall back into Regina’s shoulder in exhaustion and sadness. 

“I just wanted someone to love me.” Emma whispered as a cascade of fresh tears fell from eyes that had seen too much.

Regina lightly kissed her temple before letting her head fall against Emma’s. 

“I love you, Emma. I always will.” Regina’s reply was equally soft and sincere as she let tears form in her own eyes. She has felt that despair and desperation – the pain born from being abused by the people who were supposed to care for you. The longing for a soft touch or semblance of understanding from a parent who was incapable of it. That hurt little girl, the one who craves that affection, that doesn’t understand what she did that made her so undeserving of a mother’s love, holds vigil in your heart, always. You mourn the loss of the parent you never had, of the love and comfort you never received, and that pain never goes away. The pain gets softer and you mourn the loss less with time, but it always hurts. Regina has lived with that little girl inside of her and knows now that Emma, does the same. 

They sat in that position for a while knowing that being securely held and having the constant pressure on her was helping Emma stay calm, and she knew that they needed to get Emma back into her body. That started with getting up off the floor.

“Sweetie, if I let go of your hands, are you going to try and hurt yourself again?” Regina’s voice held nothing by understanding and Emma knew that Regina would continue to hold her if she needed it. 

“N..no, but…” Emma was exhausted and she really needed to stay close to Regina, to have that constant contact to keep her grounded, but she didn’t know how to ask. Regina kissed her temple again, knowing. She uncrossed their arms from Emma’s front and placed Emma’s hands around her neck, picking them both up from the ground. Emma held on tightly and whispered “thank you” faintly into Regina’s ear as she carried them down the stairs. She laid down on the couch, Emma on top of her before covering them both in a throw blanket, wrapping her arms protectively around the blonde, and resuming their place in their movie. 

They had both fallen asleep on the couch when Regina was roused by Emma calling her name. 

“Gina?” Emma’s voice broke, and she had tears in her eyes. Her fists were clutched hard enough that her nails cut open her palms. 

“What’s wrong, dear?” Her eyes immediately shot open as she took in the distraught teen who was sitting at the edge of the couch with her arms wrapped around her stomach. 

“It hurts, Gina.” She cried, trying in vane to hide how much pain she was in. Emma had barely eaten anything since she regressed and she knew that that was contributing to the pain, but Regina also knew that there was most likely internal damage caused by the rape. There was a potion and a salve that her healer had given her in the Enchanted Forest during her reign as Queen to help lessen her pain after Leopold had raped her, but getting Emma to actually drink the tea, much less letting her massage the salve into her stomach was going to be an issue. 

“I’m going to go grab a few things, dear. I’ll be right back, I promise.” She really didn’t want to leave Emma like this, but throwing the ‘by the way magic is real’ curveball seemed less than ideal, and she needed to mix the potion and salve away from prying eyes. She went to the kitchen and quickly conjured the herbs she needed from her vault, making quick work of both the potion and the salve. She added the potion to hot water and a generous amount of honey to make it palatable, and quickly heated more broth for Emma to soak saltines in.

When she returned to the living room, Emma was still curled in on herself quietly sobbing at the burning, tearing sensation radiating from her tummy. Red-rimmed eyes met hazel as Regina went to go sit next to Emma, placing the plethora of items on the coffee table in front of them. Emma eyed them with hesitation, but was willing to try almost anything to abate the pain she was feeling. 

“I know eating is the last thing you want to do right now, dear, but part of the pain you are feeling is from starvation. You have barely eaten since you got here. Try the saltines and broth first, and we will move on to something more substantive if you can tolerate that.” Emma nodded but made no move to start eating, eyeing the salve and tea, then looking back at Regina, silently communicating for her to explain the other items on the table. 

“The tea and salve are both herb blends that will help with the pain. Take small sips of the tea, like before, and try and drink the whole cup if you can,” she said softly. She took Emma’s hand and squeezed once in reassurance before saying, “and the salve needs to be massaged into your stomach. It will help, I promise.” Emma’s eyes went wide at the idea of having to touch her tummy. She knew rubbing the salve in would hurt, but she trusted Regina. 

“Did it help you?” Emma questioned hesitantly. She would try it if it helped Regina.

“It did.” She confirmed. “You can rub it in yourself, or I can do it. Whichever you are most comfortable with, dear.” Emma started to panic at having to make that choice, but before she could work herself up too much, Regina stepped in. “We do not have to make that choice at this moment. Right now, I want you to focus on the tea and food.” 

“Will you…” Emma trailed off and Regina nodded her understanding, moving closer to Emma so that she could hold her. She moved the coffee table right up to the couch so Emma could reach without having to move from Regina’s arms. 

Regina watched as Emma tried to eat, tears streaming down her face. She turned on a movie to distract the blonde from the task at hand, and took the bowl of broth and the sleeve of crackers from the table. Emma eyed her curiously as Regina dipped a cracker in the broth and held it up to Emma’s mouth. She looked like she was about to protest, but instead opened her mouth, knowing that being fed would make this process significantly easier, and knowing that Regina wasn’t judging her for that being the case. She sipped the tea as Regina fed her and slowly the burning sensation lessened to a more tolerable level. 

When Regina was satisfied with the amount of food Emma had consumed and the empty cup of tea, she picked up the stone mortar with the salve and held it up to Emma who stared at the bowl like it had sprouted three heads. 

“Me or you?” Regina questioned simply, knowing that single-word answers might be all the blonde was capable of. After what looked to Regina to be a grueling internal battle, Emma looked at Regina and nodded towards her. 

“Okay, sweetie,” she said with a light smile. She positioned herself propped up against the end of the couch and scooted Emma between her legs. She took the hem of Emma’s t-shirt in her hands, and spoke softly into her ear, “May I?” Emma took a deep breath, and Regina added. “I promise I will not go below the line of your panties,” hoping that that clarification might abate some of the blonde’s fears. Emma nodded and Regina kissed her temple, pulling her shirt up just enough to expose her stomach. “Just focus on the movie, dear. I’ll be gentle, I promise.” Emma nodded again and turned her head towards the movie. 

Regina scooped some of the salve into her hands and warmed it up before lightly applying it to Emma stomach. She started alternating between rubbing wide circles over the expanse of her stomach and making upward stroke from her waistband, around her abdomen, to the bottom of her rib cage. As she continued her ministrations, Emma relaxed into Regina, feeling the pain in her stomach dissipating. When the salve was rubbed in, Regina pulled Emma’s shirt back down and Emma took the brunette’s hands, wrapping them around herself as she felt her eyes start to flutter shut. 

“Can I sleep with you tonight?” Emma asked softly. 

“Of course, my dear.” Regina stroked Emma’s abdomen with her thumbs and rested her head on Emma’s. Once Emma was asleep, she carried her up to Regina’s bedroom, changed into her light grey silk pajama set and laid down next to the blonde, pulling her safely into Regina’s arms.


End file.
